Multiple Sclerosis
Deborah DeCairos Grandmaitre, M.Ed., CCC
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Self and Body Image
"Maybe it's the lights in this dressing room. I don't think my legs are that big! There's no way I would wear this bathing suit." Frustrated, I leave the store without a purchase. I tell myself it's my fault because I've been eating everything in sight. I think this would be O.K. if I could only exercise. Then I go over the whole day in my mind. What did I eat today? I had a yogurt for breakfast, then an apple for a snack. For lunch I had . . . So far so good! Except, I didn't eat anything substantial! By the time I got home that day not only was I starving, I also had a splitting headache. I opened the fridge and cupboard doors and ate whatever I could get my hands on. I told myself that starting tomorrow I would eat "right" and exercise.
It's a vicious cycle. I go through this every day, every week. I like to feel great physically, but far too often I'm over-eating too often, not eating the "right" foods, other times not eating enough or just not exercising. I realize that I am experiencing this imbalance because I am unconsciously hoping to have a better body, even though I have soft skin, beauty marks in all the right places, I am in proportion, I have been active my whole life and my body shape is awesome! I also tell myself I'm in better shape compared to most people. This is when I realize that something's not right. If I am comparing myself to others, then I'm really not satisfied with my body. Or am I?
As far as history goes, my four sisters and I inherited this distorted body image from my mother. Fortunately, I was not in-tuned enough to notice it when I was young. I danced ballet from the age of 4 until 11 and as a teenager I biked at least 5 hours a day. During that time, I loved my body and ate anything I wanted. I was not thinking of my weight. I was fortunate that I had a very positive self body image. I also had a great sense of self. I was a kind, genuine person and I valued and respected myself. I knew I had a lot to offer the world.
As a young adult, however, I spent hours at the gym with my friends working out. I know I had a passion for ballet and I loved to ride my bike. However, going to the gym was definitely to obtain a great body. That was my motivation. I was obsessed! The media was definitely the driving force. I read every Vogue and Cosmo magazine I could get my hands on. The other external force was the feedback I was now paying attention to, from my mother and sisters. All they talked about was their weight. And even after all I've learned about Eating Disorders, a part of me is still not convinced that those 6 years spent in the gym 6 days a week was not for the right reasons. However, my motivational reason speaks volumes.
Now as an older adult, I am less active but I still eat what I want. Clearly this has changed my body shape. Sometimes I have to dig deep now to find my true love for my body. What's amazing is it is still there. I cannot always see it, but I can feel it! I truly love my body, but the pressure to be better, thinner or more in shape is always lurking around the corner. Like when I hear my sister's talking about their weight, or when my mother comments on how much I've gained. I need to constantly battle the external forces that are telling me the opposite of what I feel inside. They are telling me that I need to look like Demi Moore in a bathing suit, or I have to have control over what I eat all the time, or I have to be the thinnest out of everyone I know. I know that this is all nonsense but I cannot completely control the external information that I am bombarded with on a daily basis. I also know that in addition to my awesome body, I still have my strong wonderful sense of self. I am a warm, easy going, loving, sensitive, authentic, spontaneous, insightful, passionate person. I've spent many youthful years loving and enjoying my body and self and now that I have self-achievement, spirituality and self-confidence, I want to integrate all of these: mind, spirit and body. And so the battle continues!
